by Bob Cesca
WASHINGTON, DC – One of the life rules I try to abide by is based on a Ricky Roma line from Glengarry Glen Ross: “You never open your mouth unless you know what the shot is.” It’s self explanatory. Think before you act. In the age of social media and the endless fire hose of news, it doesn’t always work out, but I try.
Donald Trump and his second rate band of oligarchs, chucklefucks, and pop culture oddities should probably spend more time acquainting themselves with the line, but they won’t. The saggy, slobbery, fascistic weirdo at the top never thinks ahead any more than the next desperate step – kneejerk snap decisions fueled by unsubstantiated hubris, intended to untangle himself from the previous fuck up of his own making. But Trump always makes things worse for Trump. And everyone else.
Now he’s engaged in an ungainly shotgun war in Iran due to a series of earlier fuck ups.
He tore up the remarkably effective Iran Deal – a deal that cut uranium enrichment to less than 3.67 percent until Donald wrecked it – solely because he hates Barack Obama, falsely believing he could do better. He couldn’t.
Cut loose from the agreement, Iran began enriching uranium again, so instead of backpedaling and reinstating the deal, perhaps rebranding it as his own like always, he chose instead to bomb several Iranian nuclear sites last Summer, insisting he “obliterated” the country’s enrichment program. He didn’t. To be clear: Iran wouldn’t have been able to enrich weapons grade uranium had he not withdrawn from the deal.
Then along comes a shitty economy, thanks to his incompetence and herky-jerky tariff regime, along with revelations that he was credibly accused of sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl introduced to him by sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.
So, he started bombing Iran again. No plan. No exit strategy. No goddamn sense of the long term catastrophes he’s releasing into the world, and there will be many. The mission was and is to destroy – to appear tough and strong. All the usual bluster and bullshit intended to mask over his previous fuck ups and flaccid cowardice.
Making matters worse, he’s acting in total defiance of the caution exercised by all previous presidents and hundreds of experts who recognize the importance of careful planning and execution required for Middle East policy, especially policy that includes explosions. Rather than the Ricky Roma line, Donald believes in the Homer Simpson Rule: “everyone is stupid except me.” Literally the dumbest, most intellectually incurious man to ever serve as president believes he’s the only smart one – maybe even smarter than “the late great Abraham Lincoln” as he says – and everyone else is the dum-dum.
I mean, he keeps calling the war an “excursion” like he’s taking a road trip to an outlet mall. He might mean to say “incursion” but he’ll never correct himself because he doesn’t realize he keeps fucking it up, and no one has the guts to correct him.
It’s no wonder, then, that this unforgivable dummy murdered 175 children in Minab, Iran. 7-year-old girls, incinerated or crushed or both. The latest reports by credible news sources show that it was an American Tomahawk missile that hit the school, killing just about everyone inside, including NINE TIMES the number of children who were killed at Sandy Hook.
With a single missile strike, Donald was the mass shooter in nine Sandy Hook massacres.
Sit with that for a second.
The latest reports show that the missile was intended for the nearby Islamic Revolutionary Guard Navy base, but the intelligence hadn’t been updated to show that the school building was no longer part of the base. Turns out the school was separated from the base – not a few weeks or even a few months ago – it’s been more than 10 years! After all this time, U.S. Central Command didn’t get the word, probably because Donald shoots first and asks questions later – pushing his people to engage in immediate attacks without any diligence.
In other words, Donald’s rush to destroy led directly to firing a Tomahawk missile with targeting information that stopped being relevant 10 years ago. Yes, a Republican president launched an attack without gathering accurate intelligence. When have we heard that one before?
Now, in addition to the blinding tragedy of it all, Donald has managed to inevitably radicalize thousands of Iranians against the United States and Israel. We might not feel the impact of it today or tomorrow – and I hope this never happens, obviously – but there will be payback.
The U.S. and its allies will be dealing with the consequences of the Iran “excursion” long after Donald is gone. All because 78 million Americans re-elected a flailing kaiju monster who opened his mouth before knowing what the score was.
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So insane that out of 8.29 billion people on the planet, a single human being (using that term liberally for Trump) can set into motion the death of us all. You nailed it at the end -- not because he's anything special, but because 78 million people made him immune to scandal, and therefore consequence. Right now -- as I type this -- thousands of Americans are going about their days, unknowing that they will soon be dead thanks to a has-been celebrity, Pizza Hut schill, reality TV show personality, and C-block Dinah Shore guest and blatant pedophile. Maybe it will be a 9/11 caliber attack, but most likely it will be countless, never ending smaller terrorist events like we saw in Austin. And such atrocities actually HELP Trump who can use them to cancel elections and implement martial law.
Chucklefucks. I adore this.
Yep. What a way to try and hide one's mess, than to create a bigger one.
If we continue with the "cut off the nose to spite the face" tactics globally, we're gonna end up looking like Gaza.