Celebrating MAGA Diversity

"Some want to weaken democracy. Others want to obliterate it. Still others want to tar, feather, and burn it."

by Rich Herschlag

For well over a hundred days now diversity has been under attack by Republicans. Ironically, Republicans—specifically MAGA Republicans in Congress and the Trump administration—are among the most diverse groups in the country. Unfortunately and very unfairly, they never get any credit for it. So here, finally, once and for all, is a joyous, unfiltered celebration of MAGA diversity.

Some text penis emojis. Others text vagina emojis. Still others believe technology is evil and just drop their drawers in person. Some use apps that keep them off porn sites. Some use apps that keep them on porn sites. Some date 15-year-olds. Some date 14-year-olds. Some transport underage sexual partners across state lines. Others transport underage sexual partners across county lines. Some violate the Mann Act. Others are incapable of acting like a man. Some are on the first phase of the Epstein list. Others the second phase. Still others are to this very day waiting anxiously and hopefully in line. I guess it takes all kinds.

Some want to suspend habeas corpus. Others want to end it altogether. Some want to end it only for non-white people. Others want to end it only for liberal non-white people. Some want to send college kids to El Salvador. Others want to send them to Guantanamo Bay. Still others want to detain DACA coeds in a rural Louisiana detention center where ironically English is a foreign language. We celebrate our differences.

Some want to eliminate Social Security. Others just want to close down hundreds of offices and lay off thousands of staff in order to make the agency so dysfunctional it might as well be eliminated entirely. Some want to deny benefits to Democrats. Still others want to hand the entire $35 trillion fund to a few frat boy bros on Wall Street. In diversity lies strength.

Some want to put Donald Trump on Mount Rushmore. Some, in fact, urge he replace Teddy Roosevelt. Others propose shoving Trump’s bloated head between George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. Still others want to blow the whole damn thing up and start from scratch with four Trumps in varying shades of orange. And some envision turning the mountain into a casino with gold coins shooting out of Trump’s enormous mouth. We are greater than the sum of our parts.

Some want to annex Greenland. Others want to lease it. Still others want to nuke it. And still others want to enslave its indigenous people. Some want to put them to work making Trump bibles. Some want to invade by air. Others by sea. Others both. Still others want to deport the natives to Antarctica. It takes a village.

Some want to criminalize abortion at six weeks. Others at three weeks. Some at three minutes. Some seek to ban contraception. Others seek to ban masturbation. Still others are co-sponsoring a bill to make mutual masturbation punishable by public flogging. Some want to force a pregnancy to term. Some want to force a presidency to term. Different strokes for different folks.

Some want to decimate the FAA. Others seek to eliminate it. Still others hope to blindfold air traffic controllers to see just how good they really think they are. Some encourage air traffic controllers to drink on the job to make Pete Hegseth less self-conscious. Some want to lay off all the air traffic controllers and hire them back a few minutes later as a goof. Others want to do that but without the rehiring part. You do you, girlfriend.

Some discuss bombing Iran on Facebook. Others use TikTok to plan a raid on Panama. Still others prefer to work out the logistics for a Bay of Pigs Invasion Part II on Instagram. Some favor skywriting nuclear secrets over a crowded resort beach in the United Arab Emirates. We agree to disagree.

Some want Trump to serve a third term. Some a fourth. Others a fifth. Some want to take his rotting corpse, let it lie in state for a hundred years like Lenin’s, and from time to time parse the lines on his jowls for divine guidance. Still others propose cryogenically sealing his head like Ted Williams and defrosting it one day when Eric Trump is no longer fit to serve. Diversity doesn’t look like anyone. It looks like everyone.

Some want to weaken democracy. Others want to obliterate it. Still others want to tar, feather, and burn it. And some seek to convince us we never had it in the first place. Some believe we’re too stupid for it. Some too smart. Some don’t really understand what democracy is. Others are trying hard to forget. Some think it’s obsolete. Others think it’s bad for business. Still others prefer it as long as they get to rule. But one thing they all agree on—it’s time to try something else. Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates.

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