Cognitive Dissonance
We found the IQ test Trump took that proves he is a genius. Take it and see if you pass!
(photo: Getty images)
by Rich Herschlag
Recently, Donald Trump took a cognitive test and apparently came out with flying colors. While we know virtually nothing about the content of the test, how much time the President was given to take it, who might have helped him cheat, or the President’s final score, we do know that Donald J. Trump has a huge brain. It is that same huge brain that can easily navigate its way through events and circumstances that would daunt most Nobel Prize laureates.
In this world, intelligence goes far beyond what you know. Intelligence includes what you know you don’t need to know, what you can fake knowing, what you can deny knowing, and what—whether true or false—you can convince others to believe. In those terms, Donald Trump’s intelligence is the bigliest in human history, and by a lot.
Fortunately, a friend of ours hacked the less than perfectly secure White House server, found the test and has agreed to share it. We think you’ll concur it was the hardest exam ever given, that only one person on earth or the other planets could have passed it, and in no way whatsoever was it doctored to avoid the President’s cognitive deficiencies.
1. If you are a 45-year-old developer and flat broke, your next step is to:
a) Sell your soul to Russian oligarchs.
b) Borrow laundered money from Deutsche Bank.
c) Slap your name on a crappy cologne.
d) All of the above.
2. How many members of a condo board do you have to bribe?
a) Half the total plus one.
b) The black ones.
c) The ones with kids.
d) Michael Cohen used to handle that.
3. What is the one thing in life you just can’t have?
a) Divorces
b) Foreclosures
c) Bankruptcies
d) Witnesses
4. If you have a chance to assault two equally hot women, you should:
a) Go for the younger one.
b) Go for the poorer one.
c) Go for the unarmed one.
d) Make your move and deny, deny, deny.
5. How many sides in a triangle?
a) One
b) Two
c) Three
d) Four
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6. If you are $100 million in the red on a construction project, you should:
a) Stiff the subcontractors, declare bankruptcy, and reopen under a new corporate entity.
b) Renegotiate mortgages with multiple banks.
c) Take out a mob loan against future services rendered.
d) Run for President.
7. How do you count the attendance at a presidential inauguration?
a) Take an aerial photo and estimate using artificial intelligence.
b) With your finger.
c) Take CNN count and multiply by two.
d) Take Obama total and multiply by three.
8. A valid reason for pardoning someone is:
a) They are talking to DOJ Southern District of New York.
b) They know where the bodies are buried.
c) They have the golden shower photos.
d) Mr. Putin told me to do it.
e) All of the above.
9. If you are caught red handed extorting Ukraine, you should:
a) Deny, deny, deny
b) Blackball Alexander Vindman
c) Blackball Marie Yovanovitch
d) Call Rudy
e) All of the above
10. When we say someone is “going to go through some things,” we are saying:
a) She’s going to lose her job.
b) She’s going to receive numerous death threats from QAnon followers.
c) She’s going to lose her security clearance.
d) We’re going to spread rumors she’s communist, transgender, and a spy and see what sticks.
e) All of the above.
11. How many commandments in the Ten Commandments?
a) five
b) six
c) seven
d) ten
12. What is the meaning of the expression “flatten the curve?”
a) Make Melania lose weight.
b) Make Ivanka get an operation.
c) Get someone to take the SAT for you.
d) All of the above.
13. As the leader of the once free world, when faced with a global pandemic you should:
a) Deny, deny, deny.
b) Blame China.
c) Blame Obama.
d) Blackball Anthony Fauci.
e) Hold a large indoor rally.
f) All of the above
14. The only time to wear a mask is:
a) When grabbing p_ssy
b) When cursing out AOC.
c) When fleecing a nation
d) When forced to look in a mirror.
15. How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
a) 100 years
b) 116 years
c) Too long
d) You said this wasn’t going to be on the test.
16. Only one of these statements is true. Which one?
a) Black lives matter.
b) Blue lives matter.
c) All lives matter.
d) My life matters to Vladimir Putin.
17. What is your name?
a) Donald Trump
b) Adolph Hitler
c) Joseph Stalin
d) Mao Zedong
18. If you are down 10 to 12 points in the polls, you should:
a) send unmarked jackbooted thugs to terrorize liberal cities.
b) Roll back federal housing discrimination laws.
c) Come to the aid of Confederate monuments.
d) Build the wall.
e) All of the above
19. If you have fewer than 100 days left in the White House and are facing both state and federal felony charges, you should:
a) map out an expat life in Russia.
b) map out an expat life in Saudi Arabia.
c) map out an expat life in Brazil.
d) see who will still take you at this point.
e) grab a corner of the desk in the Oval Office and hang on for dear life.
20. Should you, in the aftermath of your stolen presidency, face a Nuremberg-style trial, you should:
a) Deny, deny, deny.
b) Salute the Führer .
c) Call Rudy.
d) Summon Roy Cohn’s ghost.
e) Fire U.S. Attorney General Stacey Abrams.
f) Remain in the glass booth.
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Rich, your article had both of us stricken with laughter. The sad thing is that all of the questions do not reek with sarcasm: they are tinged with the bitter truth of this unholy madman's grip on the "once free world," as you indicated in your wonderful piece.
excellent, of course