Cretin Bastille Day

The left give speeches quoting Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Dr. King. Their side breaks into Nancy Pelosi's office and urinates.

Win McNamee | Credit: Getty Images

by Rich Herschlag

I'm not as angry as I'm supposed to be about what I'm calling Cretin Bastille Day. Yes, it was treasonous, hazardous, and in at least six cases and counting, murderous. But I expected a lot more from the Cretin Right, and I have about the lowest expectations and opinion one could have of these people. I've seen more effective storming of edifices on several Black Fridays, in particular one at Target an early morning in November 2014. And at least those guys had a coherent, worthy goal. An iPhone 6 for $29.95 is nothing to shake a stick at.

I'm also reminded of a Jets game at Shea my father took me to see in the autumn of 1977. It was a Monday Night Football game, and as expected the post-Namath Jets were being manhandled by the Minnesota Vikings in front of a national audience. Late in the first quarter, as the beer flowed without any sort of modern-era restriction, a drunken fistfight started in the seats on the first base side. The fight metastasized and drifted slowly and inexplicably, so that by mid-fourth quarter about a hundred fans by the right field foul pole were still pounding on each other.

These were basically likable people with some literacy who had just had a bad day, week, season, or decade. The Cretin Bastille Day folks in full view January 6, however, are truly pathetic because on some Neanderthal level they believed they were doing something more important than getting a cheap iPhone or ignoring the inept home football team.

Of course, I was embarrassed for my country, yada, yada. But I was more embarrassed for the Cretin Right. When our side protests, we get a million well organized, highly disciplined, relatively peaceful folks who give speeches quoting Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Dr. King. Their side breaks into Nancy Pelosi's office and urinates. Was it just me or were we all watching a lost episode of Duck Dynasty?

No disrespect to canines, but I don’t think we’ve ever seen a better example of the dog catching the car. You got in. Now what? Time to legislate reparations for white folks. How about a bill making semi-automatic weapons mandatory for schoolchildren? The Cretin House votes for AR-15s, the Cretin Senate for AK-47s. Well, there’s always reconciliation. Let’s see, what else? Confederate flag replacing Old Glory? Extradite Gretchen Whitmer? Legalize crystal meth? Outlaw paternity tests? Repeal the Bill of Rights except for good ol’ number 2? So much to do, so few redneck interns.

I had such high hopes for all of you. If not for a complete lack of intelligence, Richard Barnett could have headed the House Intelligence Committee. The guy with the horns had my vote for the House Committee on Africa, Global Health, Global Human Rights and International Organizations. And the Camp Auschwitz dude was a seasoned Senate Select Committee on Ethics member if I ever saw one.

Obviously you were ripped off. There was no real honeymoon period for the Cretin Congress. No chance to settle in to making moonshine in the men’s room off the Rotunda or shoot venison on the National Mall. Forget the first hundred days. You didn’t get a hundred minutes. Still, you accomplished a lot. In a single frivolous afternoon romp you put the final nail in the coffin of eugenics.

Quick question. Did anyone at your last couple of KKK rallies happen to tell you that almost everything you do these days is public? If you disconnect your WiFi, go down in your basement, wrap yourself in thick tarpaulins and masturbate, you might have a shot at a few moments of privacy. As far as stepping outside into the wild blue yonder and into perhaps the most famous government building in the world and taking selfies, not so much. While you may not have fully achieved your strategic objective you did, however, ensure that your great grandchildren will essentially be unemployable. At this point, I’m not sure you’re playing 5D chess. I’m not even sure you know how to play 2D checkers.

I have to ask . . . is that all ya' got? Really? I think next time you should start small. How about a paintball tournament or a panty raid? Work your way up to a Civil War reenactment. Spend some time in the bottom of the bush leagues before you storm the house where the Bushes used to live. I know it will take a long, long time before you can complete a proper sentence and spell "amendment" correctly and by then Donald Trump will be dead, in Saudi Arabia, or both. But there is always the Don Jr. run in 2032.

I also have to say I was disappointed not to spot any swastikas. I know, you came damn close, but no cigar. I don't know, maybe I wasn't looking hard enough through the tear gas. As much as I hate the swastika and what it stands for, I think when you come right down to it, it's you! Don't run from it, embrace it. Honor your forebears. And most of all, work on your branding.

Finally, I must apologize to the French for the sloppy historical reference. Parisians of the late 18th century were fighting for habeas corpus and against feudalism, while the Cretin Right was hoping to egg Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. It's the ironic juxtaposition I was aiming for, but it's late and I have to get up early and start setting up to TiVo the festivities of January 20.

Read the latest for Banter Members:

How The Mighty MAGA Uprising Of 2021 Failed Spectacularly

All they did was humiliate the country in front of the world and ensure Joe Biden's victory was certified.

Image via The AP

by Justin Rosario

Wednesday did not turn out to be the great day of victory white Republican voters were anticipating. It’s not entirely clear what the plan was but the day did not end with Donald Trump overthrowing the government of the United States or with Democrats and “traitorous” Republicans in shackles and/or executed in the streets of Washington D.C. It did, however, end with Joe Biden being certified as the next President of the United States.

The Mighty MAGA uprising that was supposed to be the glorious “Storm” that would wash away all the evil of the world was a complete and total failure. All they did was humiliate the country in front of the world. 

That’s not to say there wasn’t plenty of spectacle and drama, two things the MAGA Moron Mob thrive on. Screaming, mindless rage, and rioting abounded. But at the end of the day, Trump’s hoped for Beer Hall Putsch turned out to be Trump’s Beer Hall Putz.

Like the dog that caught the car, the mob of imbecile insurrectionists had no idea what to do once they got inside the Capitol. There was no plan, just mindless rage and hate. The only reason most of Trump’s terrorists are still alive is because they were shielded by the color of their skin and the lean of their ideology. Otherwise, America’s first insurrection in living memory would have ended in a bloodbath.

White Privilege On Steroids

Let’s be 100% clear on what happened on Wednesday: A crowd of rabidly racist fascists showed up to listen to a series of inflammatory speeches by grifters and lunatics….

This is an excerpt from the latest Members Only article. Get a 50% discount on a Banter Membership and read the full article here.