by Rich Herschlag
Dear Six Week Old Embryo:
Happy 43rd post-conception day. You’re ours now. Glad to have you aboard. Other than being equals in the eyes of the great state of Texas, you and I have something else in common. Neither of us really has any idea when you were actually conceived. So this could be day 41 or 39 or 52 or any other number of days. The important thing is today is the day we’ve decided to take over your mother’s womb.
The thing we do know about your conception, assuming police reports and court records are correct, is the circumstance surrounding it. Apparently your mother was raped repeatedly by a paternal uncle. Although at such a tender point in her life your mother may view this as a less than ideal situation in which to bring a human being into an increasingly perilous world, we know better than she does that one day she’s bound to look back and see these events as part of God’s plan. The error in your mother’s judgment cannot be blamed on her. What in all fairness can you expect to know about God’s will at the age of 14?
Obviously by empowering random folks in the Longhorn state to go after doctors, nurses, Uber drivers and the Jiffy Lube service technicians who keep those Ubers on the road, we have gone out on a limb for you. Lord knows it isn’t always easy letting rightwing fundamentalists draft legislation you wind up having to sign under duress in the middle of a tryst with the babysitter, but we all have to make sacrifices now and again. What I’m trying to say is you’re welcome.
Before you get too excited about the amazing life you are about to live, we need to clarify a few small points. We will be providing no prenatal care or funding for such. Good luck with the malformed aortic valve and the papillomavirus your mother contracted from her assailant. Though obstacles lie ahead, this may be your mother’s best chance to take full responsibility for her actions. Fortunately there are plenty of wonderful prolife OB-GYNs out there in your network if you have the Capital Blue Cross gold plan. If you don’t, may we suggest you earn a STEM degree and secure a position at a Fortune 500 company, which typically comes with excellent benefits. Word to the wise—avoid what’s left of Obamacare.
The first several years of your life may be quite challenging. But fear not. The great state of Texas has seen to it that you will be shuffled repeatedly from foster home to foster home so that you will have access to a large number of loving heterosexual Christian couples receiving just enough compensation for three daily servings of Similac with sufficient funds remaining to purchase nativity figurines at Hobby Lobby. Though you will likely not remember the names of your revolving door foster parents and they will likely not remember yours, let it never be said that Texas doesn’t value diversity.
So that there is absolutely no chance of a misunderstanding in the future, having already granted you life and a head start fit for a prince, the great state of Texas will not be covering the following costs: food, clothing, shelter, afterschool programs, health and wellness checkups, dental care, remedial literacy training, job training and addiction treatment. But don’t worry—prison’s on us.
Incarceration will turn out to be the highlight of your time on earth. There you will learn to scrub floors, wash dishes, and make personalized license plates for Ted Cruz and his political donors. You will enjoy the camaraderie of several other inmates we also forced into this world following incestuous child rapes, at least one of whom will try to do to you what his mom’s crystal meth addicted boyfriend did to him. No worries. You will successfully fend him off with a shiv and go on to become godfather of your cell block.
You will attain perhaps your greatest earthly reward during prison Bible classes. There you will learn that Jesus Christ Himself spearheaded a variety of prolife legislative efforts back in Judea. Jesus was famous for pioneering the crusade against Galilee midwives rumored to have saved the mother’s life over the fetus’s. Having been immaculately conceived Himself, Jesus taught his followers that life actually begins before conception, which explains some of our forthcoming prolife legislation in Texas. While masturbation itself technically will not be subject to direct criminal prosecution, good folks throughout the state will be encouraged to sue the makers of Vaseline, latex gloves, and Kim Kardashian posters.
We have it on authority that you will live to the ripe old age of 34, your demise occurring due to an unfortunate sanitation truck malfunction during a work release program. Had she not died during childbirth, your mother would certainly have been proud.
Yours truly,
Governor Greg Abbott
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And the interesting thing here is, Abbott and the Texas Republicans believe in every word and detail of that letter!