Distraction Junction
How to do a Netflix Party while the world turns to shit.
NOTE TO BANTER READERS: Occasionally we run articles from talented guest writers we think our readers would enjoy. Today we are featuring Howard Freedland of the entertaining Facebook page “The Daily Report”.
Guest post by Howard Freedland
Eat-Shit-Sleep seems to be in COVID-19 Diaries from so many people these days. Having restricted socialization combined with odd weather, pestilence, and declining race relations are causing many people to go a wee bit stir crazy. Well, this is one writer that is taking control of the situation. I asked myself, “Self, how can I laugh incessantly, waste some time with friends, and provide a service to my readers?” I KNOW…bad karate movies with friends! My first is 36th Chamber of Shaolin. So, this past Sunday, I got together with friend of 30 years Mike Cohen, to watch MST3K style on Netflix Party. We kept the phone call going on Facetime so that we could see each other’s reaction to scenes. This would be a fantastic hour and a half journey into avoiding cleaning my house.
Before I describe some of the highlights while watching, let me tell you what made me choose this masterpiece. First, it was produced by Run Run Shaw of the famed Shaw Brothers Production Company. Think Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer of China. The Wu Tang Clan named their first release, 36 Chambers, after this movie, and Masta Killa took his name from an alternative title of the movie. Lastly, Gordon Liu starred in this gem, and you will remember him as “Johnny Moe-leader of the Crazy 88s and Pai Mei” in the Kill Bill series.
We start by learning how to use Netflix Party. I feel old. Mike, not so much. Once we get through the basic operation, we are ready. Beers are opened. Gordon Liu is doing all sorts of forms in the opening credit sequence, which seems to take forever. We agree that the background was borrowed from the Star Trek Set.
Pop-culture moment #1 – Remember in Eddie Murphy’s stand up when he does a shitty overdub with the phrase “You want to fight? FIGHT ME!”? Guess what…that comes from THIS FILM!
Nice death scene in opening 20 minutes. You know they were dead because they bit a fake blood pill, and their body was strung up by all 4s so everyone could see them. Mike chimes in with “Zed’s dead, baby” and we feel awesome! Mike and I are impressed with the mustaching in this film. Crazy facial hair everywhere. One of the leaders of the wimpy clan (where Gordon Liu came from, before he became all bad-assed) burns the parchment notes that he was given about the bully clan coming to rape, kill and torture everyone in the village. Rules to live by…burn after reading. Destined for governmental work. Leader of the bullies does not make a good effort to find the escapees. Laziness will come back to haunt them.
Gordon Liu’s character is injured and has a scratch on his leg. He is acting like a wimp, dragging his leg like it was the last scene in “Custer’s Last Stand,” and arrives at the Monk-a-torium, where he is told that in order to be given safe haven, he must sweep, constantly. Evidently, the First Chamber is sweeping. Not once do we hear “sweep the leg” and we are disappointed.
Every chamber is a new training stage. There is sweeping, bongos, using the force (which is having to cross a water bridge on small logs). There is much wetness. With the slow-mo falling in, Mike exclaims “This is the worst episode of ESPN the Ocho I have ever seen”. I am entertained. At some point and at some chamber, he spontaneously learns to fight. He learns sparring, head butting and gonging. San Te is Gordo’s name in the film, which causes me to call him Santa. A thin, muscular Santa. But, Santa nonetheless. Santa suggests a change to the training program – a 36th Chamber (they had 35 Chambers, and that was good enough, damn it!) and he is banished for speaking out. Feudal China is not known for progressive thinking. Who knew?
Santa seeks out his old village, where he fights to the death in a graveyard, killing all the old bullies from his past. They totally hack the living shit out of the worst of them, and I have no idea why. He is now collecting followers as he is looked at as a Chinese Jesus. Neither Mike nor I think that this movie has any edits in it, and the end was brought up so quickly that we agreed that the set was promised to another movie producer the next day, so they said “Fuck it – wrap it up!”
We laughed a lot, which was a goal of the activity. It also kept me from my chores – a secondary goal. Bottom line is, if we must remain in captivity to protect ourselves from the plague, at least there is technology that makes it fun. Use it before they decide to charge us for it.
You can follow Howard’s work here.
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