Everything Is Totally Fine

The very stable genius is back in charge. What could go wrong?

by Ben Cohen

What you are seeing is not what you are seeing. The violent January 6th protestors who assaulted police officers did not really assault police officers. Trump pardoned them anways because The Deep State is corrupt and Joe Biden pardoned Hunter Biden, and Hunter Biden is far worse than the tourist who toured the Capitol.

Donald Trump is totally normal. He did not try to steal the 2020 election and “find 11,780 votes” in Georgia to tip the Electoral College. Trump won in 2024 so that means he really won in 2020 too. History is what Donald Trump says it is anyway because the mainstream media is lying to you. His inauguration in 2016 was definitely the biggest in history, and you can definitely cure Covid by injecting disinfectant into the body.

Speaking of Covid, it wasn’t really a big deal and vaccines don’t work even though Trump rolled them out and bragged a lot about them. They probably caused autism in kids so that’s why RFK Jr. is the best pick to run the Department of Health and Human Services. He was proven right about the pandemic and Anthony Fauci is evil incarnate and should be extradited to Russia to be punished by Putin.

No one knows exactly why Dr. Fauci is evil but he had something to do with gain-of-function research in Wuhan and he lied about social distancing or something but that doesn’t matter because Joe Rogan said it was a lab leak. If there is another pandemic it will be because the Democrats in the Deep State are planning to take down Donald Trump. It will be fake so we don’t need to prepare for it anyway.

Elon Musk is a genius and the solution to all of humanity’s problems. He has killed the “woke mind virus” by spreading totally true things on X about Nancy Pelosi’s husband and Democrats importing illegal immigrants to vote for them. He will cut government spending by 80% and will definitely not use his connection to Donald Trump to make sure his companies that are funded almost entirely by the federal government aren’t cut off.

Elon Musk and Donald Trump are two totally normal, very stable geniuses who only make accidental Nazi salutes and call on far right militias to “stand by” because the woke Democrats are lying about it. If you ignore the video and audio evidence you can see for yourself. Tucker Carlson is the only person you can really trust because he says everyone is lying to you and only he is telling the truth so therefore he must be right.

The new Trump administration is going to be amazing and solve all of America’s problems in just a couple of months. Egg prices might be soaring, the Russia/Ukraine war continuing, and there might be little prospect of a long term peace agreement between the Israelis and the Palestinians, but Trump says it will happen at some point so that’s good enough. We don’t need to know how he’ll do it because we need to have total faith in him and not ask any questions just like JD Vance. There will be something else to focus on anyway and we just need to wait for Trump to announce what it is on social media. When he does we can forget about all the campaign promises that only the Fake News Media keeps bringing up for no reason.

It is important that we move on from the past or at least remember it in the best way possible. Trump’s first administration was actually the best ever even though hundreds of thousands of Americans died because he mismanaged the pandemic and spread medical disinformation. Trump might have almost killed everyone in his administration including himself at a Covid super spreader event and he might have been impeached for soliciting foreign interference in the 2020 election to help his re-election bid, but that was a long time ago and probably a lie spread by the MSM anyway.

Elon Musk said that Donald Trump was the last chance for America to save their democracy and he makes cool cars and has more money than everyone else so he is definitely right.

When Donald Trump lies it is important to remember that he isn’t really lying because the mainstream media always lies about him lying. Maybe he does lie a bit but who knows anymore because you can’t trust The Media. Anyway lots of very smart crypto people and tech billionaires funded Trump’s campaign and they definitely have our best interests at heart which is to destroy wokeism and promote the free market. They definitely won’t cut my medicare/medicaid though because they are for the little people not millionaire libs and Hollywood celebrities.

The next four years are going to be the best ever because Joe Biden has alzheimer's and was a criminal mastermind. Thank God Trump is here to save America and make the rest of the world respect us again because they are all lazy freeloaders like Zelensky. That guy really should have negotiated with Putin before he was forced to invade them because of NATO and Ukrainian Nazis. Now he just whines all the time and begs America for more money. Trump knows a lot about business so he can definitely fix the war between them especially if Zelensky just gives Putin what he wants.

Trump will also fix the LA fires by opening up the water that Gavin Newsom and the black mayor lady didn’t put in the extinguishers. Libs don’t know how to fix disasters because DEI is more important that doing the job so Donald Trump will end it and make sure the best people are running the country, like Pete Hegseth.

A lot of libs might have a problem with all of this but they lost and we won so they can go cry about it to AOC. America is back and everything is totally fine.

If you would like to support The Banter and our mission, you can get 50% off a membership here:

Read more on The Banter:

F**king Mondays: Into the Abyss, DEI is Dead, and Doing Deals with Fascists