Hooray for Hawleywood!
"Feel free to make a donation on your way out to help build a better, stronger Hawleywood and stand up for future generations of racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, fascists"
by Rich Herschlag
The unearthed footage of Missouri Senator Josh Hawley running for his life down the hallway of the Capitol building January 6, 2021 was for me the highlight of a summer otherwise filled with severe droughts, ungodly heat waves, soaring gas prices, rampant violent crime, and the revocation of longstanding reproductive rights. Not even the ephemeral prospect of Donald Trump being charged with a federal crime held a candle to the wry smile Oath Keeper wannabe Hawley put on my face by desperately fleeing the same very fine people whom just hours earlier he had fist-pumped and—if you look closely enough—possibly caused him to pee his pants.
But babyfaced, tiny-testicled Senator Hawley gave us more than just a few generous moments of unbridled, profoundly orgasmic laughter. He gave us a new idiom that can be applied “liberally” to our political scene for potentially weeks to come. This essay is about more than my attempt to enter a new word into the Urban Dictionary, though really not much more. It is about attaching a new moniker to an old M.O. that is at once meaningful and forgettable. Hooray for Hawleywood!
Welcome to Hawleywood, and thank you for going on this brief and insipid tour. Many of you may at some point in your life have taken a tour of Hollywood, that place sometimes referred to as Tinseltown, where dreams are made, hearts are broken, casting couches are worn out and entered into criminal trials as evidence, and illusions at times seem all too real. Although Hollywood has over the years taken a great deal of criticism for cynically promoting various politically correct themes while in real life denying opportunities to the very same folks who would be beneficiaries of such causes, the illusions put forth by the American establishment film industry over the decades is strictly amateur hour compared to Hawleywood.
Here on your right is a former president who was elected on the basis of being a successful businessman but filed for bankruptcy no less than six times and dedicated his adult life to grossly inflating his net worth. Just up ahead are Trump Shuttle and Trump University, and to your left are the Trump Taj Mahal and Trump Castle, none of which exists anymore except here in Hawleywood. They say if you walk though these exhibits on a quiet late autumn night you can still hear Donald Trump firing people.
Now if you look up ahead and over to your left you can see a life-size exhibit of US Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene excoriating President Joe Biden for an executive order granting ten to twenty thousand dollars of federal student loan debt relief to millions of former students currently struggling with that same debt. Our driver will kindly slow down so we can have a closer look at the Representative Greene’s bank account replete with $183,000 in forgiven PPP loans taken while serving as a member of the House. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s plenty of Greene, and for someone who hates Jews the congresswoman certainly has a great deal of chutzpah. And while several Jews were instrumental in the founding of Hollywood, without pure, 200 proof redneck chutzpah there would simply be no Hawleywood.
Coming up on your right is a 3D exhibit of Senator Ted Cruz boarding a flight for tropical Cancun, Mexico while the great state of Texas enters a new ice age and fails to produce enough electricity to operate a polygraph. In this priceless Wizard of Oz moment, the fierce Second Amendment rights advocate opts to “cruz” while his constituents stand their ground and his poodle Snowflake battles hypothermia.
On your left we’re now approaching one of our most popular exhibits—a wax figure of US Representative Matt Gaetz on his knees begging Donald Trump for a sweeping pardon on all forthcoming federal sex trafficking charges. Congressman Gaetz, who enjoys a 100 percent rating from the National Right to Life Committee, has bravely dedicated his political career to ensuring the offspring of his countless statutory rapes will be carried to term against the will of their mothers. Here, in one of Hawleywood’s most unforgettable moments, Gaetz ironically assumes the position into which he forced so many of his underage victims. Perhaps no less of a man ever so thoroughly violated the Mann Act.
Just ahead is our newest exhibit—a video clip from Rudy Giuliani in Borat 2, a rare confluence of Hawleywood and Hollywood. In this endless loop from the closing moments of Sacha Baron Cohen’s tribute to MAGA ideals, a lifetime of ludicrous appeals to “family values” meets its ultimate demise with America’s mayor lying back on a hotel bed with hand in crotch anticipating a sexual act from the writer/star/producer’s 15-year-old daughter.
And of course, here is Hawleywood standard-bearer himself, Senator Josh Hawley, in a breathtaking new holographic exhibit we call “Hiding under a desk until the dude in the Thor outfit goes away.”
Well, we’re running a little short on time today, folks, so we’re going to blitz through a massive exhibit of Hawleywood legends from years past—Mark Sanford, Jerry Falwell Jr., Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, Dinesh D'Souza, Rush Limbaugh. The list is practically endless and so are the fundraising goals.
Whether an evangelist preacher watching his wife shtup the pool boy, a sexual predator posing as a conservative TV journalist, or a hardline radio shock jock copping OxyContin in a parking lot, we can assure you nowhere in the world will you find a more complete, well rounded army of self-righteous hypocrites projecting an All-American image masking a sordid array of Oedipally driven neuroses than right here in Hawleywood. Feel free to make a donation on your way out to help build a better, stronger Hawleywood and stand up for future generations of racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, fascist, xenophobic, white supremacist, grifter politicians posing as defenders of traditional values. We’re depending on you.
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The Internet Solves Trump's Coded Letitia James Slur
As of this writing, there’s no other valid explanation.
by Bob Cesca
WASHINGTON, DC – Donald Trump’s new nickname for New York Attorney General Letitia James is “Peekaboo.” For most of the day on Wednesday, many of us on Twitter attempted to figure out what it meant and where it came from. No citations listed on Google, other than the one-term loser’s post about James on Truth Social. Nothing else.
Then the inimitable Hal Sparks landed on a possible answer.