How to Raise the Next Kyle Rittenhouse
"The time has come to take stock of your life and realize your true potential."
by Rich Herschlag
Son, while fools say what this country needs are doctors, nurses, firefighters, architects, engineers, software developers, entrepreneurs, chefs, carpenters, plumbers, and teachers, they are all a dime a dozen. What we really need are lonely sad boys without a plan or a clue to take up arms, cross state lines, and strut around menacingly amidst constitutionally protected protests at risk for violence. My boy, rest assured there is a place for you in this world. I’m aware you haven't quite found it yet sitting in the basement in a gaming chair and masturbating to Baywatch reruns, but thank the good Lord the future has finally found you.
The time has come to take stock of your life and realize your true potential. While it may be the case that you are unemployed, undereducated, socially awkward, repellent to young women, addicted to Adderall, and lacking even the faintest hint of a moral compass, face it—you are highly qualified in the only sense that matters. You are white.
I know I haven't been around much these past few years. I've been busy bombing Planned Parenthood clinics, storming the Capitol, and phoning in death threats to Republican members of the House and Senate who had the audacity to support the bipartisan infrastructure bill. Obviously I have bigger fish to fry than taking a deep dive into the hopelessly confused life of an adolescent incel stalking the prom queen runner up on Instagram. But I'm hoping a few short text messages will be a more than adequate substitute for the kind of day-in-day-out parenting that requires a nightly review of events, discussion of one’s feelings, and finding practical solutions that are both close to the heart and beneficial to others. That sounds exhausting!
So before I get back to my FanDuel session, I’d like to offer you a few words of wisdom. Since showing up with a loaded AR-15 at Black churches, screaming the N-word, seeing who reacts in a subpar fashion and opening fire if you feel intimidated may turn out to be more of a healthy all-American hobby than a full-time job, here is some valuable career advice. Our patron saint Kyle Rittenhouse was not only a fierce protector of freedom but also a medic. Because your kind, gentle soul bears some resemblance to his, this may be a vocation for you to consider as well. Sure, there will be some tedious terminology to learn, but never forget the main reason medics were put on this earth in the first place—to show up anxious, arrogant, uninvited and armed to the hilt at precarious tinderbox crowd scenarios and respond to the first sign of “bad vibes” by firing off dozens of rounds.
This, my son, is a sacred calling dating back to ancient times. In fact it was the ancient Greek Hippocratic Oath that instructed, Do no harm. Aside from various punctured lungs, severed aortas, fractured skulls, pulverized brain matter, and shredded digestive organs, these are words to live by.
Should your burgeoning career in medicine lose momentum due to boredom, incompetence, or the general public’s unwillingness to be treated by a heavily armed bloodthirsty white supremacist on Ritalin, there will be plenty of other opportunities. A quick look at the IMDB of our patron saint will tell you the possibilities are virtually unlimited. From contestant on Dancing with the Stars to correspondent at-large with FOX to the nearly successful Senate run in Alabama, the world is your oyster so long as you are willing to shoot that oyster point blank with an assault weapon.
With media success comes money and with money comes love, as KR’s intimate relationships with Lauren Boebert, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and Marjorie Taylor Greene readily attest. And with love comes indoctrinated offspring. Take it from me, the day you pull yourself away from the sex robot to sit your socially maladjusted high school dropout children down and instruct them in the fine art of shooting a protester in the back will be the proudest day of your life and mine.
And if for some reason your life as a rightwing celebrity, talking head, congressional intern or NRA chief financial officer falls flat, remember your roots. Where it all began. Rearm, reload, find yourself a left-leaning civil disobedience and wait patiently for someone not wearing Proud Boys merch to look at you askance. When the judge lets you pick the jurors out of a hat, rest assured you’ll be back on the street in 48 hours. Rinse and repeat. These are the Rittenhouse Rules.
Above all, remember that you are eternal in nature and an inspiration to others. I’ll leave you with a slight adaptation of Tom Joad’s final words in The Grapes of Wrath.
I’ll be around in the dark. I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you look. Wherever there’s a fight so liberals can be shot. I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop limiting the Second Amendment rights of a militia member. I’ll be there. Wherever a person of color was killed during a routine traffic stop and the very last thing a community needs is still more kerosene tossed onto the fire. I’ll be there with an AK-47 equipped with a sight mount. I’ll be there in the way Paul Gosar posts videos depicting the slaughter of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. And the way our people laugh and sneer and spike the football on Twitter when a baby-faced homicidal dweeb basically gives us Kent State for the new millennium. See?
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Now We Know Trump’s COVID Response Wasn’t Just Incompetent
A new report points at something far, far more sinister.
by Bob Cesca
WASHINGTON, DC -- Here’s something you might not know about. On April 23, 2020, the Democrats convened the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. Since then, chairman Jim Clyburn and his colleagues have been investigating not merely the economic impact and the root causes of the pandemic, but also the previous administration’s catastrophically malicious response.
Accordingly, one of the committee’s mandates is to investigate “executive branch policies, deliberations, decisions, activities, and internal and external communications related to the coronavirus crisis.” And not unlike the 1/6 committee, it’s entirely possible for this panel to pass criminal referrals to the Justice Department whenever evidence of malfeasance is detected.
So, just in case you’re worried about whether Donald Trump will be held accountable for significantly worsening the pandemic, here’s where that accountability could start.
This week, the committee informed us that Trump and his henchmen deliberately meddled with the Center for Disease Control’s recommendations in order to downplay the threat.
won't be subscribing to this substack... got an agenda "The Banter"? drrrr
aw yes