How to Win a GOP Debate without Showing Up

The GOP debates are so full of hypocrisy, equivocation, canards, gaslighting, and sheer stupidity you start to long for the true master of all.

Photo: Getty Images

by Rich Herschlag

Drop in on a Republican presidential primary debate one of these days for about an hour if you have the endurance and see exactly why this country of ours is in the hopper for the next couple of decades. The same old mindless talking points are being dished out to the same batch of information starved Fox News viewers. Let's see, there's the one about eliminating the Department of Education. Because the more local the education the better. Because the best way to ensure a child never advances past his or her own parent is to homeschool. I don't want my child learning molecular biology from a molecular biologist. I want her learning molecular biology from someone still struggling with algebra.

I want her learning on a dirt floor with Mortal Kombat blaring and the sounds of midday copulation spilling in from the trailer next door. I want her learning grammar from a high school dropout who thinks the contraction of "you" and "are" is "your." I want her thinking being number one in a class of one makes her a valedictorian.

It's a bizarre coincidence that the states providing the least per capita funding to public education wind up ranked 48th, 49th, and 50th in test scores. Go figure. When it comes to schools, we need choice unless we're talking about a six-week-old fetus. We don't need Washington D.C. telling us to choose literacy, fluency, and rigorous thinking. Whether or not to develop the mind is a family decision.

Let's see, there's the talking point about rising violence without even a mention of the 400 million guns floating around our great nation. Because a mentally unwell person with a knife is just as lethal as a mentally unwell person with an AK-47. Because the framers of the Constitution were concerned about a crazed 19-year-old on meth not being able to purchase a Glock to teach his ex-girlfriend a lesson. Because an incel who watches kiddie porn all day before strapping on a fully equipped AR-15 is indeed a well regulated militia.

Then there's the one about closing the borders (really only one border) to solve our drug problem. I have news for you. This is a hard thing to have to break to another living soul, so please have a seat. Are you ready? The Sacklers are American. So is Purdue Pharma. So is just about every physician who prescribed OxyContin instead of a few stretching exercises to every assembly line worker with a stiff back. Ron DeSantis would send American military forces into Mexico to raid the homes of suspected cartel members. Hopefully Mexico will send educators into Florida to read from The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank.

They decried how Biden's inflation has ravaged America. The year 2022 called. They want their talking point back.

Values. Now there's a talking point everyone can agree on except when they can't. Values are good. Except when they're bad. Wait, good values are good, bad values are bad. Defending America is a good value. Except when you're a Capitol Police officer fending off January 6 rioters. Grabbing a woman's genitalia is a bad value. Except when you're a future fascist president at a beauty pageant. Freedom of religion is a good value. As long as you're one of four or five closely related Christian sects built around a megachurch. Accountability is a good value. Unless you're lying under oath about a fake electoral scheme.

Of course there's the equivalency between the war in Ukraine and the problem at the American southern border. Not every Republican candidate buys into this one, but give them some time. The basic concept is that an unprovoked sovereign state attacking another sovereign state is pretty much the same as refugees fleeing from one sovereign state to the next. The former crisis must be met with the indifference of Neville Chamberlain. The latter must be met with a state sponsored, pro-family effort to separate children from their parents.

Surefire talking point number 368 is the one about the worst pox on America in its almost 250 year history. We're talking of course about gender fluidity in school sports. If one thing keeps me up at night it's the thought of a women's softball pitcher with an extra 3 mph on her fastball because she used to be a Boy Scout. Whenever at 2 AM or so I consider the prospect of Vladimir Putin's reaction to his own ED being a nuclear attack on Europe I remember that here at home Vivek Ramaswamy will personally perform DNA testing in middle school dugouts and I fall right back asleep.

Last but not least is the mother of all MAGA litmus test talking points, reproductive rights. In this holy race to the bottom of mutual respect and decency it's every hypocrite for himself. One wants a ban at six weeks. Another at three weeks. Another at ejaculation. Another at the smelling of pheromones on the dance floor at the prom. One wants 10 years in prison. Another advocates a life sentence. Still another purer devotee of life wants the death penalty. The point being that if you love life enough you should be willing to kill a rape victim for it. And should the fetus live through all of that we'll put it to work in a factory in Arkansas.

With a smattering of notable rational exceptions here and there, the GOP debates are so full of hypocrisy, equivocation, canards, gaslighting, and sheer stupidity you start to long for the true master of all of the above--Donald Trump. And that's the point.

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