Lesson Not Learned

Donald Trump did, in fact, learn and relearn a whole slew of lessons. Just not the one Susan Collins implied.

by Rich Herschlag

The past two weeks or so of the Senate impeachment trial along with surrounding events, recriminations, and interjections from the dictator-in-chief have been for me a marathon of nails against a blackboard—toenails included. I am not what you’d call squeamish. I’ve seen my share of gory car accidents (including one I was in), relished the live birth of my two daughters, and stayed awake and remained calm through dental extraction surgery gone horribly awry due to a wisdom tooth being fused to my jawbone.

But the political atrocity of the past fortnight challenged my ability to concentrate unabated to the point where I simply failed. I muted, looked away, flipped away, and in some cases outright powered off during mindless directives from Mitch McConnell, lightweight arguments from Jay Sekulow, acid-induced gobbledygook from Alan Dershowitz, and cowardly equivocation from Lamar Alexander. The sociopathic threats fired off by Trump at the National Prayer Breakfast were about as palatable as a scone topped with Adolph Hitler’s mustache.

Yet for me at least, the rusty-steel-spike-in-the-anus award strangely went to sometimes sane Maine Senator Susan Collins, who in an interview shortly before voting to acquit stated with gloating Prozac smile she was satisfied Donald Trump had learned his lesson. Donald Trump did, in fact, learn and relearn a whole slew of lessons. Just not the one Susan Collins implied.

Lesson 1: Money Rules

Using PAC money as a cudgel comes naturally, even perfectly to Donald Trump. All affection and loyalty over the course of his miserable life have ultimately been purchased in whole or in part. Even the love of one’s own family members is transactional.

Lesson 2: Fear Really Rules

Reports are that during the Senate mock trial you could smell Republican fear on the floor. The thought not just of losing their seat but of being pinned with a Trumpian nickname and tweeted into red state infamy was just too much for these spineless sycophants to bear. Far worse than frightened children waiting for just one kid to step up and confront a bully before they join in, members of the US Senate watched one brave individual from their ranks get eaten and did exactly nothing. Most told themselves they would happily be 19th or 20th to jump in, but alas. For someone like this rogue president, fake billions and all, when it comes to valid currency fear trumps the dollar any day.

Lesson 3: The Bigger the Lie the More it Will be Believed

It’s amazing how right Goebbels was even to this day. But in the 21st century it is critical to take it a step further. While it’s nice to convince your many followers of a given falsehood, the most important thing is to convince yourself.

Lesson 4: The American System is Broken

What was already starting to buckle in 2016 is now in hospice. Laws can be ignored. Subpoenas can be disregarded. All norms of decency can be trampled. By the time a legal challenge to your crude snub works its way through the courts you’ve already moved on to a hundred other misdeeds. And let’s say a court eventually does rule in your opponent’s favor. Who will enforce the ruling?  It comes right back to the mantra of the bully in the playground: Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Lesson 5: There is No Karma

The quaint notion of benevolent and malevolent acts coming back to their author is sentimental swill contrived by dweebs too powerless to forge their own fate in this lawless, chaotic jungle of a universe. If what goes around ever does happen to come around it takes a pathetically long time, and by that time you’ve sued Mr. Karma, destroyed his business, and screwed his wife.

Lesson 6: There are No Principles

Principles are for losers. Winners go for the throat, groin, ego and wallet. It all depends on the situation. Let the losers sort out what the guiding principles are from their hospital bed or crematorium. You want a principle? Okay, suckers: Bring a nuke to a knife fight.

Lesson 7: There is No God

Well, this actually depends on how you look at it. When hundreds of lawmakers more accomplished, wealthier, and better educated than you bow down like clockwork, you are for all practical purposes God.

(Image via AP)

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