Life Coaching for Trumpers

"This is known as quid pro quo parenting."

by Rich Herschlag

As the impeachment show trial presses onward and continues to infect your mind with falsehoods corroborated only by the testimony of a dozen or more highly decorated lifelong bipartisan public servants, hundreds of subpoenaed documents, and a summary transcript provided by the White House itself, it is important not only that you remain resolute in clinging to a series of hopelessly muddled rightwing talking points and ever-shifting dark web conspiracy theories, but that you make every effort to shed all forms of brainwashing disseminated by the left—and by the left we mean anyone less bigoted than Stephen Miller.

This includes cleansing yourself of all misinformation from the left-leaning media, public school systems, libraries, the medical community, various episodes of NOVA, and that deceased but relentless communist pediatrician known in certain circles as Dr. Spock. Only with this sort of all-encompassing reorientation can we become truly great Americans worthy of the grace raining down so freely from our beloved leader and thus ensure Donald J. Trump will remain in office long enough to replace Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor with one of Rudy Giuliani’s illegitimate children.

For starters, cigarettes don’t cause cancer. That is hoax perpetrated by George Soros. In fact, cigarettes cure cancer. So if you are diagnosed with cancer—especially lung cancer—keep smoking. Light up the moment the first nodule appears on your CT scan. Smoke in the shower. Smoke in bed. Smoke during chemo. Don’t be discouraged when you can no longer fully inhale. That’s the liberals trying to steal your freedom. Remember, only cigarettes can help you, and your health is too important to surrender to fake science.

If you are diagnosed with arteriosclerosis, that is God telling you to triple your daily intake of low-density cholesterol and saturated fat. Low-fat diets are fake science pushed by Michael Moore and part of a cabal to turn your state purplish. Only a steady regimen of Krispy Kreme donuts and cheese crust pizza with pork sausage can give you the cardiopulmonary system of a 21-year-old skinhead again. And whatever you do, don’t engage in any form of vigorous activity other than sitting on your porch and shouting slurs at people of color.

Relationships are important, and that is why you need to dominate all of yours. If your significant other is a woman, please note—she does not want to be heard. That is a scam perpetrated by Hillary Clinton, Oprah, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, and Joy Behar. Women want to be told what to think, and the best way to achieve that is to cut them off mid-sentence and complete the thought with whatever gibberish pops into your head after a night of shooting possum and masturbating.

Your children are not to be trusted. You were a little shit, and so are they. Daughters seek an emotional Spanish Inquisition every time they leave the house to update their phone plan and are especially fond of any and all insinuations that they are whoring around. Sons require constant questioning and testing of their manhood, whether that means your subtly implied disappointment with their physical prowess and life choices or a random shot upside the head. It is critical that these things be accomplished in part by withholding love and affection. This is known as quid pro quo parenting.

The opioid crisis is yet another ruse foisted upon an unsuspecting public by Rachel Maddow, Black Lives Matter, and the American Medical Association. We personally guarantee you that all opioid related deaths were hot doses sold to our children by Democratic electoral college delegates, Hollywood plastic surgeons, and a newly resurgent Medellín cartel. Opioids marketed by supporters of Donald J. Trump are perfect and can be ingested in unlimited quantities with no known side effects.

Nuclear waste is not waste at all. It is sustenance and can be used by true Americans for energy in much the same way Popeye the Sailor uses spinach. Go ahead—open a can of spent Plutonium-239, suck it down like a 12-oz Gatorade and trust me, you’ll be doing the nasty with Olive Oyl before you can say Devin Nunes met with an ex-Ukraine official to get dirt on Hunter Biden.

Drain the swamp. Run toward tornados. Surf in tsunamis. Do the Funky Chicken in a hail of bullets. Overthrow the deep state.

Last but not least, there is the most outrageous sham of all—gravity. This was brought to you by the very same people who still insist the earth is round and Colin Kaepernick. If you really want to support your president and stick it to Elizabeth Warren, you will put on a MAGA hat, find the highest bridge in your neck of the woods, and take a flying leap. Good luck, and see you on November 3, 2020.

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(Photo by Jay Wennington)