Mueller Lite

Introducing new Mueller Lite—all the conclusions you love in a report without all those filling facts!

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by Rich Herschlag

You’re a man who likes to shoot first and ask questions never. You hate details, especially when they get in the way of what you think you know. When you come home from a hard day at work, the last thing you want to do is read words. What you want is something so simple it could be a meme or a presidential tweet. You’re looking for a report so rudimentary it’s practically binary, if you knew what rudimentary and binary were.

Introducing new ‘Mueller Lite’—all the conclusions you love in a report without all those filling facts! Why sift through hundreds of  pages of complex legal jargon and testimony under oath when you can skim excerpts from a four-page document in under a minute and go back to your anatomically correct Asian sex robot?

You hate substance, and Mueller Lite has none. You want something basic and devoid of all real world references to ridicule left-leaning Facebook users with. Shorter, sweeter, simpler, Mueller Lite goes down easy and leaves you with that satisfied brain dead feeling that you and Sean Hannity were right all along.

Unlike Mueller Regular, Mueller Lite is low proof. Mueller Lite is made in the swamp and aged to perfection inside the Beltway. A product of the deep state you bitch and moan about incessantly, Mueller Lite is brought to you by the same good folks who brought you the Warren Commission, the Pentagon Papers, and the Nixon tapes.

Mueller Lite quotes selectively to keep your mind on pleasant things like the border wall and off unsettling, complex, interwoven scenarios requiring the power of inference. Mueller Lite uses only pure black ink, and we don’t skimp. Mueller Lite is butchered by handpicked Department of Justice lackeys of the President and redacted especially for you. Other agencies redact just once. We redact once, twice, three times for that Roswell Report feel.

Those other summaries try to be brief, but they were written by actual prosecutors with direct knowledge of the investigation and no political favor to curry. Who has time for jury deliberations and pen registers?

Mueller Lite is a domestic report, written by Americans for Americans. Absolutely no Kenyans were involved. The makers of Mueller Lite remind you to read responsibly. Do not read between the lines, and do not operate heavy machinery unless it’s a shredder.

Mueller Lite, coming to a Barr near you.

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