The First Black Hole Image Captured. It's Not Pretty....
The black hole was ultimately identified at a Make America Great Again rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
by Rich Herschlag
In a long anticipated climax, social scientists have for the first time photographed a black hole. Defined as an anthropomorphic creature so dark that light could not escape, and so amoral that space and time were warped, the black hole was ultimately identified at a Make America Great Again rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
The original plan developed at NASA called for a series of high-powered radio telescopes costing billions of dollars. Ultimately, however, the most distinct image of the black hole was captured on the iPhone of an unemployed coal miner from Wheeling, West Virginia. According to Roger Lerner, professor emeritus of history at Hillsborough College, the team was particularly pleased to find an orange ring encircling the black hole.
The concept of a black hole has been with us for ages. It was first theorized around 380 B.C. in Book II of Plato’s Republic, where Glaucon argues that the life of an unjust man is far more blessed than the life of a just man. The idea was further refined in philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche’s 1883 book Thus Spoke Zarathustra in which the rise of an Übermensch is posited in the wake of the death of God. The image captured in Grand Rapids on March 28, 2019, according to the New York Times, “offered a final, ringing affirmation of an idea so disturbing” that many in academics and cable news were loath to accept it.
According to an unpublished treatise scrawled on toilet paper by gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson while tripping on peyote, if too much corruption and self-adoration is crammed into one place, the cumulative force of narcissism becomes overwhelming, and the place becomes an eternal trap. Here, according to a heavily sedated Thompson, hope, goodwill, and truth itself come to an end and vanish like a dream. Recent proponents of this theory have referred to this phenomenon as “the swamp.”
“We’re thrilled,” said Kip Filcher, professor of neo-fascism at Pepperdine University. “No one has ever escaped this administration with his or her honor or dignity.” The list of officials, hired guns, and sycophants leaving the West Wing without a trace of self-respect is indeed long: Jeff Sessions, Michael Flynn, Reince Priebus, Hope Hicks, Omarosa Manigault, Kirstjen Nielsen, Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer, Bill Shine, Rex Tillerson, Scott Pruitt, H.R. McMaster, Tom Price, and a cast of shady characters so vast they have been compared to a galaxy of dark matter.
That dark vision has now become a visceral reality. Venerated news outlets are called “fake” without the bat of an eyelash. Political refugees are called “animals” traveling to “Disneyland” and are horded into cages along the southern U.S. border. The verifiable rise in global temperature and increased frequency of weather-related disasters is dubbed a hoax. Reports by special prosecutors are buried only to emerge redacted with ink so black no collusion can be found.
Meanwhile, the debate among historians, cognitive psychologists, and late night TV comedians regarding the origin of the black hole rages on. Some state the beginnings lie in having a father who values only material wealth and a mother who refuses to breast feed. Others claim the syndrome is precipitated by the cutthroat New York real estate market. Still others contend it’s caused by a small penis. What is agreed upon, however, is that the soul of a black hole is so charred and shriveled that it is undetectable even with the most powerful modern CT scan and reflected in eyes so lacking in human empathy they could put out a wildfire.
The “Trump” black hole, as it has been nicknamed, is apparently just the start. Social scientists around the globe are so encouraged by these recent stunning results they are now actively planning an ambitious schedule of additional black hole photography. Forthcoming black hole subjects include Bashar al-Assad of Syria, Kim Jong-un of North Korea, Vladimir Putin of Russia, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders. According to researchers at MSNBC, these black holes are all related. In fact, a paper currently being peer reviewed attempts to prove there is a barely detectable force field distantly connecting all black holes. They are calling it “Steve Bannon.”
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Julian Assange Is No Journalist And Not Worthy Of Sympathy
Assange is a criminal in his own right, and a threat to journalism and other whistleblowers who speak out about state and corporate crimes.
by Ben Cohen
The arrest of Julian Assange and his planned extradition to the United States has been the source of much contention, particularly in the world of journalism. Many have decried the Ecuadorian government’s decision to boot Assange out of their embassy in London and hand him to US, claiming it sets a dangerous precedent for freedom of speech and journalism.
However, if you look at the details more closely, it becomes clear that the US well within its rights to seek punishment for Assange allegedly helping Chelsea Manning hack into the Pentagon….