by Rich Herschlag
So I’ve been over here a few days and I have to say I am not impressed. First of all, the whole place is run by liberals—FDR, RFK, John Lewis, Allen Ginsberg, Jesus. I told them we have a real border problem and we’re letting in all sorts of Mexicans, and they are not sending us their best people. I saw some kind of gate on the way in but it was way too pearly. We need to build a wall. And separate dead kids from their dead parents.
It’s true when you die you go down a tunnel, but the difference is the tunnel I went down was easily the best of all the tunnels. It was the number one tunnel. By a lot. And I had a record number of souls greeting me at the other end. But the lamestream media in the astral plane said Ronald Reagan had a lot more. Fake news.
One person I’ve met is Gandhi, who I really think was let in because of a quota. We got along fine at first, and he was a big, big fan of The Apprentice, but he didn’t endorse me when I decided to run for God, so now everyone hates him and that’s why his reality show failed. He’s a disgrace.
And I met Nikola Tesla, also a big fan of The Apprentice, and he looked very, very bad. It’s a shame. And it turns out he doesn’t even own any shares in Tesla, and he really hasn’t invented anything in a very long time. He’s a loser. And I ran into Mother Teresa, and to be honest her looks are shot.
I traveled to a bunch of planets. Some of them I’m looking to buy and put some hotels on. I was looking at the second planet from Proxima Centauri and Saint Peter was saying, you know, Mr. Trump, they could really use much better ownership and they’d be very, very lucky to have you. And you should definitely design the golf course, because you design the best golf courses, and this would be not 18 holes but thousands of holes, and only heads of galaxies would be allowed in except for Mondays and Tuesdays. And there’s less gravity, so you could really drive with a 5-iron, which is something I’ll probably win a lot of awards for.
And I have to say, the food here is terrible. Way too light and airy. After a few days all you can think about is a nice Big Mac. Which is how I died in the first place even though I was the healthiest specimen ever. And I know a guy and he gets the Big Mac for me and I tip him very, very well. And there’s really no pussy here, but if I ever happen to see any I will definitely grab it. It’s hard to tell who’s white here and who’s not. It’s annoying, especially when you’re trying to build luxury housing. And I keep running into people I stiffed or raped.
I met Napoleon. I would say he is very short. Tiny hands. But he’s a genius. And we fell in love. And we write each other fantastic love letters. And I ran into God, and He is a huge fan. Caught every episode of The Apprentice and used to have a condo in Trump Tower when I first opened it. And He told me, you know, I love everyone but I can’t stand Rosie O’Donnell.
Anyway, I have huge news. I am running for President. Since I died I have been the victim of a witch hunt by the radical left who are still to this day trying to disqualify me. There is nothing in the Constitution requiring a candidate to be alive. And Clarence Thomas agrees. And the liberals are afraid to leave it up to the voters. But Rudy is working on it for me. And they told me Rudy was actually dead the last 15 years of his career.
I will be on the ballot in 47 states in 2028. I can Snapchat telepathically, move classified documents around the room via telekinesis, and I recently learned how to post on Twitter (now X). I will be governing primarily through X, Truth Social, and a Ouiga board, and when the lamp in your office flickers that’s me saying kill Mike Pence.
Because time is different over here I can see what you call the future as if it’s happening now, and I can tell you I have already become the first deceased President to take the oath of office. Vladimir Putin will arrive here in early 2027 and provide thought propaganda, technical assistance altering voting machines, and money so dark it can’t be seen before or after death. And we’ll be complaining a lot about how Sleepy Joe Biden isn’t here yet, because he is very, very old.
And right now I have to go because I’m in the middle of a life review, which is really a lot of fun. My life review so far has gotten some of the highest ratings if not the highest ratings ever in the afterlife, and they have already renewed it for next season. And the one where the Russian hookers urinate on me was the highest rated episode since the O.J. trial and maybe even since the crucifixion. And I’ve learned a lot of things over here, one of which is you actually can take it with you, but I’m leaving most of it behind for tax purposes and also because Eric Trump begged me to.
And there are really, I have to say, a lot of losers here planning to reincarnate so they can be a nurse or a teacher or a paramedic or a social worker and one of them just told me I might have to reincarnate as a slug but the slugs have to take some kind of vote on it first and now they did and it looks like I’m out but everyone knows the election was stolen. And someone who looks a lot like Jeffrey Epstein just told me they’re sending me down to the other place, and that’s okay because as we know there are very, very fine people on both sides.
You are too much. LMAO
Some of the best satire I've read.