Trumping Trump: A Daring Plan To Defeat The Orange Monster
With a third party candidate more crazy than he is.
by Rich Herschlag
While Donald Trump is highly vulnerable in the 2020 presidential election, it’s no slam dunk. Part of the reason is that Democrats and the resistance as a whole tend to play fair. While a trumped up GOP engages in gerrymandering, voter suppression, Russian-based cyberattacks and deepfake videos of Bernie Sanders raising fists with Nicolás Maduro, Democrats will be developing more exacting purity tests on the Hyde Amendment.
We can change all that without breaking any laws. By creating and promoting a third party candidate who will challenge Trump from the right, we can siphon off enough rabid reactionary voters to take back Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Florida, and send Donald Trump into the waiting arms of Letitia James.
It won’t take all that much. The right wing version of Ralph Nader or Jill Stein simply has to trump Trump. Shaving off one, two, or three percent of GOP voters in key states is only a matter of looking to the toxic core of the 2016 Republican platform and cultivating a few unkept promises in a political Petri dish.
Recruiting and indirectly funding someone who will more than compensate for Bill Weld need not be a long, drawn-out process. The candidate will be a straight white person of either gender with a racist, xenophobic, nationalistic social media history dating back at least several years and preferably a cable show or YouTube channel lending authenticity to those qualifications. The chosen one will not be a genuine Manchurian candidate but rather someone egotistical enough to believe the organization that suddenly arose to draft and fund him is organic.
In a self-absorbed culture like ours, that person will not be hard to find. From that point on, the uber-Trump will only have to stay on message. That message will be horrific, distilled from Trump’s own repertoire, and will go a little something like this:
“Donald J. Trump has gone soft. He’s become a liberal. I’m here to save America. Because I am basically Jesus Christ with a Twitter account.
“Pathetic little subsidies of coal are not going to cut it in the new America. Cars must run on coal. Phones must run on coal. Rocket ships to the moon and the planets must run on coal. We will sell coal to the Martians to help fund my new hotel over there. We will stage a clean energy Kristallnacht in which wind turbines, solar panels, and geothermal heat pumps are rounded up and melted down. Only I can break it and then fix it.
“Making every last abortion a federal crime including those following rape or incest is a start, but nothing more. Those of us who truly love life know that the only way to show you really care is a legally mandated yearly inspection of a woman’s uterus. We do it for cars, why can’t we do it for our children? Any sign of a terminated pregnancy—whether by medical procedure or so-called natural causes—will be punishable to the full extent of the law. Lock her up.
“No duly elected president should have to cower in the face of well documented, verifiable accusations of collusion with a foreign power. My administration will create an Office of Opposition Research, funded wholly by taxpayers and foreign dark money sources, which will serve as an official funnel for all information—legally obtained and otherwise—potentially damaging to anyone standing in between me and complete, absolute power. This effort will be transparent in that we will be able to see you but you will not be able to see us.
“The war on Christmas has gone far enough. From now on, Christianity is the official religion of the U.S., and every day is Christmas if you donate tax free to my campaign. We will celebrate the way they did in Old Jerusalem, with a military parade in my honor. Drain the swamp, then fill it with used porta potty liquid.
“The wall is just the beginning. We need a moat, turrets, and boiling oil poured down periodically on the unwashed masses. If we can’t get Mexico to pay for it, we’ll produce a Netflix reality show in which Americans bid for a five-minute stint on top of the wall where they fire semi-automatic weapons free range at scampering immigrants. I will date a hot chick whether she’s my daughter or not.
“Climate change is a hoax, and we intend to prove it. We will burn every fossil fuel and non-fuel we can lay our hands on. We will make bonfires out of Victorian furniture and authentic 1920s bathing suits. We will torch recyclables wherever we may find them. All to demonstrate that the next morning the world will still be there. The world isn’t going anywhere. There are good people on both sides, except for the liberal side.
“In this country, we need to reward the idea of being rich. So-called ‘fairness’ simply disincentivizes becoming the tax-evading land baron God intended you to be. So, as a gift, I am proposing that no federal, state, or local tax be imposed after the first million dollars in annual income. In fact, after the first million, there will be an earned income credit to show our nation’s appreciation for who you are and what you do. Say goodbye to trickle down and hello to bursting dams flooding valleys. I have a great relationship with the blacks and the whites and the . . . whatever
“My opponent talks a good game when it comes to our enemies, but he rarely follows through. Hillary’s emails, Obama’s real birth certificate, Benghazi—unless I’m wrong, no one was ever sentenced for any of these crimes against America. We have to show the enemies of the people we mean business. Summary executions will be carried out using Kim Jong-un as a subcontractor far from our shores so that media bias will not distort coverage and produce fake news. I’m tired of winning. It’s time to slaughter.
“The other day I saw a little boy—he couldn’t have been more than a first grader—walking to school without a gun. I stopped him and asked him if he was carrying a concealed weapon. He cried, and I took that as a no. My fellow Americans, every small child we send to learn unarmed is a potential victim—a sitting duck—for left-leaning terrorists who kill the innocent. I will arm every American old enough to hold a gun as well as a select few unborn. And for those who refuse to own a gun, they won’t last long anyway. Make America irate again.”
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