Are the Benefits of Giving Up Your Career for Your Kids a Myth?

As a generation of women who intentionally chose family over careers reach middle age, many are saying it might not have been necessary or worth it.

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Guest post by by Nicole Perry

When my oldest was 3 and my husband and I were getting ready to have more children I decided to quit a successful career in television and become a full-time mom.  We could afford to live on one income, and I had read all of the articles about how much better children do when one parent stays home. But now that my kids are older and I have a large group of peer mothers, some of whom work and some of whom don’t, I am beginning to question whether giving up my career was really necessary. Are the benefits a myth? I’m even beginning to wonder whether giving it all up does more harm than good to the well being of the family on a whole.

Studies say that spending time with our children when they are little is important for bonding, but after years of getting to know a range of families, I know working parents who are incredibly bonded with their kids. They find time to be a family in the morning, at night and on the weekends.  In fact, because their time is limited, they seem to make more use of their time together. They think quality not quantity. They plan more outings, they make more of an effort, they make connection a bigger priority.  When you’re home all day with your kids, it’s easy to become complacent, to take for granted your closeness because you’re with them so much.  Closeness doesn’t happen automatically.

In addition, kids need room to grow and become who they are.  Helicopter parenting by those who left careers so they could instead “over-manage” their children not only inhibits that growth, it can put excessive pressure on the children to perform.  After all, parents who sacrificed careers expect great things from their children.  This pressure prevents children from discovering themselves.  Children begin to measure their worth based on how they’ve satisfied expectations.  And if they don’t feel they can measure up, depression often sets in.  I’ve seen it.

Being there for you kids whenever they need you also denies them the chance to learn how to be self-sufficient.  It limits their freedom to stumble and fail because someone is always there keeping them headed in a straight line.  Stumbles and failures are what define us and tell us who we are. I grew up with a single mom who worked.  I would come home after school and cook dinner, do my homework, and plan my extracurricular activities without my mom.  But kids today who come home from school to a parent in the house often have a snack waiting, activities organized and plans made.  There’s not a lot of self-sufficiency being developed.

I believe kids need to be loved, but I don’t believe they need to treated as if they are the center of the universe.  We certainly don’t need to breed any more complacent narcissists.  It’s not a bad thing for kids to know that sometimes they have to take a back seat.  They need to know that work is important, that responsibilities are honored, and that contributing to the family is valued.  We all know families with first born boys who were doted on throughout childhood but then failed to launch.  When I think where my motivation in life first developed, it didn’t come from being coddled. It came from seeing my parents work hard and earn respect in their lines of work, one as a psychologist and the other as a lawyer. I wanted that, too.

I know many women who left careers to be moms only to find themselves lost and unfulfilled by the time the kids are in high school.  Many feel that too much time has passed for them to return to their old careers but feel too old to start a new one.  I was lucky and foresaw this trap, so I went back to school before I hit this stage and eased into a new career as an interior designer.  But I’m watching many friends come to grips with an ambiguous future without kids in the house.  It’s not something they’re looking forward to, and it puts tremendous strain on marriages.  As a result these moms sometimes look even more to their kids’ achievements as proof that it was all worth it.  Look at the college admission scandal. I’m surrounded by families just like the ones indicted.

As I’ve watched my kids grow up I’ve also come to realize that they are who they are despite me and whatever I’ve tried to steer them into becoming. One is more like me, one is like my husband, and one is a combination of us both.  Beyond our DNA, the most influence we’ve had on them is being a role model and being there in moments of need.  I didn’t need to leave my career to do those.  I just needed flexibility when moments of need arose.  

Society puts a lot of pressure on families to put their children first, but I’m beginning to believe that the benefits are a myth.  If it really is best to have a stay-at-home parent, then why do I know so many families with two working parents and kids who are amazing, self-sufficient, confident and well adjusted.  And why do I know so many families with a stay-home parent whose kids are struggling, dropping out of college and don’t even know how to make a bed?   What our children really need is to know that they are not the center of any universe.  Instead, what they need to do is find their own orbit.  The best way for parents to teach that, is for us to show them that we have found ours.

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