Hillbilly Travesty

Some questions for the "family values" Christian.

image via CNN

by Rich Herschlag

Dear JD or whoever you are:

I am very excited about your longstanding proposal to give parents the right to vote on behalf of their children. While obviously any voting rights policy that harkens back to the essence of 18^th century property law, the Three-Fifths Compromise, poll taxes, and generally non-universal suffrage is a positive, I would like to clarify your proposal as much as possible so that no nuance whatsoever is lost during what we all hope will be a brutal and destabilizing implementation.

So JD, is it one extra vote per child? Really? Even if that child is Black? Or worse still—a Black female? Or worst of all—the Black child of a white parent? Well, I guess if you insist. Only let’s make sure no one ever serves these irascible mulatto kids or their entitled parents bottled water when they wait on line to vote in the sweltering heat.

Do embryos count? Well, sure they do. Voting begins at conception. I think. Or maybe at six weeks. How about a heartbeat voting law? And what about verification? During the very early, uncertain weeks of potential pregnancy patriotic young women can have their menstrual cycles tracked on their phones, which of course they should be doing anyway, sharing all data with the federal government, the RNC, and Mike Johnson.

Most of us, however, do not believe the above stipulations by themselves are either sufficiently weird or creepy. We need somehow to reward unprotected sex—whether between a consenting married couple, a non-consenting married couple, a consenting non-married couple, a non-consenting non-married couple and perhaps most important of all, two strangers in a men’s room.

Like most decent, morally absolute Americans, I believe rape babies and incest babies should be given extra weight at the polls. Who, if not these rising stars in our declining democracy, will give voice to the rape and incest babies of the future and their enterprising fathers? Off the top of my head I’d say assign two votes for a rape baby, three for an incest baby. Or maybe I have that flipped. I forgot. Let me check with Viktor Orbán

Unfortunately, things are not much clearer on the postpartum end of the equation, but if we put our heads together, drop acid, and arbitrarily codify whatever flimsy notions flit through our addled delusional minds I’m sure we can nail this. Do adopted kids count? Or do they continue to count for the biological parents including the ones who left them in a trash bin after prom? Maybe in Solomonic fashion these kids can be cut in half—politically speaking, of course. And also by surgery.

For example, let’s take the Brady Bunch. Do Mike and Carol each get the three votes of their biological kids, or is it negotiable? Perhaps four votes for Mike and two for Carol if Mike agrees to take the whole family on a fake vacation to Hawaii. And what if Greg and Marcia, still in their mid-teens, conceive a child one night in one of those adorable bunk beds? Do Mike and Carol get that vote in perpetuity, or do Greg and Marcia accrue credits that mature when they do? And finally, should there be a divorce, who gets the house, the 1971 Plymouth station wagon, the bell-bottoms and most important, the votes? Yet another endorsement for a long, impossibly complicated prenup.

Legal scholars will be invited to weigh in on whether Woody Allen retains the vote of adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn after they take their vows. And who gets the bonus vote when they have a kid—whether biological, adopted, or mail-order? Furthermore, once the Allen-Previn children themselves reach the age of sexual curiosity, run.

Logically, surrogate moms would get a spare vote until the handoff.  In general, the government must facilitate the smooth, legal transfer of child voting rights in order to confer both economic and political benefit. Thereby, normally unwanted foster children would be a hot commodity heading into election season. Through a voucher system, orphanages could sell child voting rights on the open market or an exchange, or just do the noble thing and donate them all to the Heritage Foundation.

The very nature of campaigning would possibly change for the better. Rather than commit  endless resources on swing states, campaigns could hold rallies where they really counted—like Octomom’s front lawn. Massive ad campaigns would target IVF clinics, and those frozen fertilized eggs lucky enough to own a phone would receive a dozen texts a day from Donald Trump Jr. Last but not least, frequent sperm donors would finally get their rightful due—their own county.

One complication you may not have fully considered, JD, is the occasional large family headed by liberal progressive socialist communist leftist pinko woke scum. Madonna and Angelina Jolie quickly come to mind. What to do about such anomalous, politically undesirable expanded families? Lock them up. Then there are the ever growing broods of folks whose political leanings are perhaps less well known—Eddie Murphy, Kevin Costner, Nick Cannon, and of course the NBA. Lock them up, too.

Last but certainly not least, dearest Jizz Donor (JD, for short), we must never, never forget the potential of the couch to reshape both our families and our politics. Upholstery could open up a whole new world for fertility, geometric population growth, and the Fourth Reich. No longer will the Lord be angered by the sin of spilt seed. Rather, great nations will rise from small cushions.

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Kamala Harris Is Going To Kill The Republican Party

Her coconspirator in the murder of the GOP? Donald Trump.

Image via KamalaHarris.com

by Justin Rosario

There’s a growing awareness that Trump’s Republican Party is, to put it mildly, absolutely screwed come November. Republicans are still deep in the throes of denial, but watching Trump melting down in real time is not helping them maintain their delusion.

The dawning realization that Trump will not be sworn in as president on January 20th, 2025 means that the question is starting to be asked: what happens if Kamala Harris wins?

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This is an excerpt from today’s Members Only piece. To continue reading, get 50% off a Banter Membership and go here: