Non-Critical Race Theory
Presenting a brief non-critical race history of the United States of America.
by Rich Herschlag
Recently, critical race theory has become controversial because of the overarching need to eliminate anything in this universe which might be a buzzkill to Biff the second-string high school quarterback washing his classic 1971 Ford Mustang in the driveway. Critical thinking requires facts, reasoning ability, and a variety of listening skills that if not indulged in very sparingly may make one’s brain hurt. Hence, the rise of non-critical race theory, which goes down easy like a 6 pack of Coors on a warm autumn duck hunting trip. Today then, as a service to bright red secessionists and historical revisionist school districts everywhere, we present a brief non-critical race history of the United States of America.
Jesus—who was white, Christian, and a proud member of the NRA—founded America in 1776. It wasn’t enough for Jesus to share wealth and frequent flyer miles with just white folks, so he and the most enlightened landed gentry of their time got together and recruited folks in Africa. Those Africans lucky enough to be recruited were given signing bonuses of top-of-the-line iron legwear. Transportation consisted of the best accommodations money could buy in the hold of luxury ships that today would have hosted an open bar and a singles weekend.
Recruits were sent to some of the finest families, particularly in the South. Employment was guaranteed on a lifetime basis and included separate quarters as well as full medical and dental coverage. Those employees seeking an upgrade were taken to “auction,” which functioned as a sort of hybrid between a job fair and speed dating.
Meanwhile, Native Americans grew rich selling land to the United States. In one instance a reported $24 was paid to the Lenape tribe in exchange for the island of Manhattan. Though this may seem like a modest sum at first glance, if invested in an ETF indexed to either the NASDAQ or S&P 500, by 2021 it would be enough to open up a retail hunting and fishing supply outlet the size of a typical modern Cabela’s. As if this wasn’t enough, in the 20th century the white man gave the Native American his own reservations, his own casinos, and a supporting role in the 1960s situation comedy F Troop.
In the 1860s, a bunch of Fortune 500 companies based in the North decided to staff low paying factory jobs with highly valued African Americans of the South and to this end waged a cruel and destructive war. That so many Black employees chose to remain in the South following the war between the states is testament to the obvious benefits of life below the Mason-Dixon line and is underscored by the fact that the Black Panthers formed in Oakland, California.
Knowing no bounds to benevolence, Jesus’ United States of America opened its doors to thousands of Chinese in the 1800s and employed them in the lucrative Union Pacific Railroad project. There they received the sort of hard-nosed business and science training that enabled them eventually to open laundromats and design microprocessors. Among the Asians, the Japanese received most-favored status when in 1942 in order to protect them from Hitler’s invading forces they were sequestered at no charge in self-contained villages of their own until the war ended.
Both the South and more righteous elements of the North intervened repeatedly throughout the 20th century on behalf of various minority groups. For instance, in response to long waits inherent in an often slow moving judicial system, the KKK (Kwik Karma Klan) offered informal, expedited trials often taking place deep in the woods where defendants could escape the pressures and potential embarrassment of more public ordeals. These same benefits were often extended to Jews, gays, Catholics, labor organizers and baseball Negro League barnstormers.
In a free society, protests occur from time to time under even the most favorable conditions. However, enlightened societies tend to facilitate the liberty to disagree. Whereas in the North shoving matches occasionally ensued between uniformed officers and people of color exercising their Constitutional rights, in the South people of conscience were often given high-powered showers to cool them off after a long day of conscientious objecting, and introduced to service dogs to help them find suitable establishments to dine in town.
Institutional intervention on behalf of minorities and in particular Black people was notable throughout 20th century America. During this time, state and local governments, banks and corporations fought hard to ensure Black people had their own schools, neighborhoods and prisons. With some regularity lending institutions guided young Black families away from the perils of overly manicured lawns, crabgrass and white picket fences and toward more familiar, congenial urban settings. These revolutionary, forward thinking polices ultimately spawned jazz, hip-hop and the NBA.
Today my white kids love the artist formerly known as Kanye West. Comedic legend Bill Cosby drugs and rapes women of all races and gets away with it. Transgender folks protest Dave Chappelle and I’m looking into hiring a consultant to explain it to me. Barack Obama was appointed President of the United States by George Soros, and some of my best friends patiently waited till Joe Biden was eventually appointed to storm the Capitol and smear feces on Nancy Pelosi’s carpet. In short, we’ve come a long way, baby, but we really didn’t need to. It’s always been ebony and ivory living in perfect harmony just like Paul McCartney and that other guy sang a while back.
Well, that’s all for today. Nothing to see here. Please resume pulling over drivers of color for going one mph over the speed limit, making sure no one waiting on line to vote can get a Sprite, and keeping Colin Kaepernick out of football.
Love The Banter? Get more for free by subscribing below!:
Listen to the latest episode of The Banter Roundtable podcast (it’s free!):
Oh to swim in the brutal joy of satire...
OH MY!!