Trump's State Of The Union, 2022
With a slightly less valiant defense of the Capitol on January 6, 2021, this year’s State of the Union Address would go a little something like this . . .
by Rich Herschlag
Feeling a little subpar this winter? Gas prices too high? SEP-IRA too low? Omicron still scratching at the door? Russian hypersonic missiles pointed at European cities got you down? Popping St. John’s wort and vitamin D3 like they’re PEZ? Take heart. Things could be a lot worse. With a slightly less valiant defense of the Capitol on January 6, 2021, this year’s State of the Union Address would go a little something like this . . .
Thank you. We all know how great I am but you’re going to have to stop clapping and take a seat because I have a bag of Popeyes waiting in the West Wing. I’d like to report that the state of the union is tremendous. Never been better. I only wish Mike Pence was around to see it. You know, sometimes I actually miss that guy.
Unemployment is at a record low 0.0. Some people said that wasn’t even possible, but I checked with Secretary of Labor Mike Lindell, and he said not only is it true but the Black unemployment rate is negative 3 because some of those folks are working two shifts. COVID is completely gone. That’s not me saying that. That’s CDC head Joe Rogan. I take some of the credit for inventing the vaccine, but I was right the first time when I said one day the virus would just disappear. And that day was January 6, 2021.
Things have never been safer at the border, and one of my best moves ever was putting that great patriot Joe Arpaio in charge of ICE. No one crosses the border these days unless it’s a white American looking to bet on jai alai. We promised you we would build a wall—a great big beautiful wall— and we did that. What we didn’t know at the time was that we also needed a great, deep, wonderful moat filled with sharks; a fabulous, tremendous, wide trench stuffed with barbed wire and WWI-era soldiers and bayonets; a squadron of drones constantly flying overhead and shooting lasers; and a field of landmines so huge little Mexican boys lose a leg just saying the word “America.” Most amazing of all, we’ve totally stopped child sex trafficking thanks to the new task force run by my dear friend Matt Gaetz.
We’ve passed historic legislation, and for that I tip my cap to Speaker of the House Marjorie Taylor Greene. We passed a bill eliminating income tax for all income over ten million dollars because as we know, the eleventh million is always the hardest. Capital gains tax is now negative. We need to encourage investment, and we’re doing it by finding the super wealthy wherever we can and finally giving them the help they so desperately deserve. And we made the Ku Klux Klan a legit 501(c)(3). My father would be proud of that one, folks,
I appointed Rick Perry head of the EPA and his one and only act was to eliminate the agency on day one. Nice work, Rick. We could have done it without you. Dumping mercury, arsenic, and dioxin into open waterways is now legal, encouraged, and incentivized by federal tax code. The science says these valuable chemicals are critical to building up the human immune system, and who are we to argue with science? I asked my son Eric to be Surgeon General because he liked to play that game Operation when he was a kid. And I am happy to report that cancer has been totally eliminated.
It’s been a great year for the American media. FOX is number one, Newsmax is number two, and Tucker Carlson is Press Secretary. For some strange reason almost all the fake journalists from CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and the Washington Post disappeared. I have no idea what happened. Some people blame the Saudis. Well, the Saudis are my dear, dear friends, but who knows?
Under Secretary of State Paul Manafort, Defense Secretary Elise Stefanik, and National Security Advisor Kimberly Guilfoyle we have normalized relations with North Korea. The economic benefit to both countries is bigly. Kim Jong-un gets full access to our nuclear technology, banking system, agricultural advances, pharmaceutical patents, and chemical weapons research, and we get a signed 8x10 photo of Kim Jong-un.
But I’d like to get serious for a moment. Some of you may have heard through Sean Hannity there is a civil war going on in Ukraine. I spoke to Vladimir Putin just yesterday, and he assured me he’s sending Russian peacekeeping forces in to settle things down. And he promised me, as a personal favor, he’ll stay there for a few decades just to make sure everyone’s okay. As if that isn’t enough, right after he’s done peacekeeping in Ukraine he’ll be peacekeeping in Czechoslovakia, Austria, Denmark, Poland, Belgium and France. I’ve asked the head of NATO, General Michael Flynn, to assist Mr. Putin in any way he can, sparing no expense.
Well, I’d love to stay here and make eyes with Lauren Boebert all night, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I have three Belarusian hookers with the meter running in the Lincoln Bedroom, and one of them has a weak bladder. In the coming weeks we will be arming all kindergarteners with AR-15s, outlawing condoms—especially the ribbed ones—, and filling outgoing Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer’s seat with Sidney Powell in what I’m told will be a 14-minute hearing and a unanimous thumbs up vote. And for those of you still concerned I’m appointing Rudy Giuliani to head up DOJ, don’t worry, it’s not happening. I still think Rudy’s a loser and batshit crazy.
Read an excerpt from the latest for Banter Members. Get 50% off a membership today!:
Letters To The Editor: Have We Failed On Russia?
"Not letting Ukraine into NATO had more to do with the US being afraid of Putin than Ukraine's government."
Welcome to the latest Members Only installment of “Letters to The Editor”! If you have a question or something you’d like to get off your chest, email us at: ben@thedailybanter.com and we’ll do our best to answer you each week.
Unsurprisingly, much of the discussion on The Banter this past week was centered on Russia.
A reader blames the West for what is happening in Ukraine:
During WW2 America knew about what was happening to Jews and others and twiddled their thumbs. And yes, the west abandoned Eastern Europe after war, in the 50s and 60s, practically in the Balkans and now Ukraine. We missed a chance with Gorbachev and Yeltsin and never should have trusted the murderer Putin. Once KGB always KGB. I'm disgusted with the Republicans AND Democrats. No excuse for Trump and Fox - half the US will follow them no matter what, and you can't reason with them. Though look at the UK. What did they do after the Litvinenko and Novichok poisonings? Nothing. A British citizen died and a policeman and two others almost did. That and Putin taking over the Crimea should have been a huge wake up call to the west. NATO should have started preparing in the Baltics because they will be next. Biden and Harris are disappointingly useless. Afghanistan. Total disaster. Biden cared nothing about the women there. Watch the clip of him and read the Atlantic article. Of course, neither does Trump and his ilk. Just like they care nothing about Ukraine or anybody except themselves. Not letting Ukraine into NATO had more to do with the US being afraid of Putin than Ukraine's government. The US convinced them to give up their nuclear weapons and now have deserted them. It's all about the money. The far-right is dangerous and so is the far-left. If the Democrats don't wise up, they're going to lose in 2024.
I do think there have been failures on both sides of the aisle when it comes to Russia. The Democrats have underestimated Putin’s territorial ambitions, while Republicans have enabled him because of his ethno-fascist ideology and allegiance to Donald Trump….
This is an excerpt. To continue reading, please go here.
Scarily good. Borowitz needs to fear for his job. In an effort to be fair to all Americans, writers of the constitution, never envisioning the ignorance, racism, avarice and all out thuggery of the cesspool known as the republican party, created a document that allows the “tyranny of the minority” to threaten the very existence of our democracy.